I am not okay. Is it fine to say that out loud? It seems scary and, well, not okay. As adults, as women, as parents, as professionals-we have to keep it all together. We have people who rely upon us every day to get a job done. But what happens when we are pressured so far that we are simply existing and no longer living?

I have reached complete burnout at my job in the past two weeks. We are overloaded with patients and do not have enough clinicians to treat them, however there is no plan to hire anyone further. Whereas some of my coworkers do only what they can and are asked of them, I feel the need to do as much as humanly possible in one day to be a team player. But then I find myself with nothing left to give all too quickly.

I have a very difficult time asking for help. Whether at home or at work, I just feel the need to do everything myself. I suppose that stems from childhood and its not a healthy habit to do this all of the time. I am drained and exhausted and running (momming) on fumes most days. My kids need me to be present and excited to play with them and tonight I shunned my daughter away to leave me in peace because of the impending weeks stress was upon me. And then I felt guilty as I watched her sulk away.

I wish I knew how to find balance. How to accept that I cannot do it all and am not really even expected to by anyone but myself. I have to find a way to be a good employee, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend but I surely am not expected to be perfect at any of those things. But the pressure is there to be, mostly from within. I am very good at giving advice to my friends on taking things one day at a time and making time for self care and letting go of the non-urgent matters of daily life. But that voice is awfully quiet when it comes to me.

I had to make a choice tonight. I could either suffer through another week or give that idea up and let go of my guilt and asked for help at work. It didn’t go smoothly but at least I know I will have time to take a few breaths before running off to see the next patient. To drink water and actually use the bathroom for once. To not frantically eat my lunch at 3 p.m. while driving after my last visit of the day.

I am existing one day at a time, sometimes not knowing how I will survive from one hour to the next. I am learning how to be okay with not being okay for now, because I have accepted there is a tremendous amount of stress in my life and it is only normal that I feel this way. But I hope as I continue to ask for help and let my guilt go, I can find a away to live again.